OLD SONGS

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When I wrote this song years ago I was too embarrassed to let anyone hear it. I was being so honest and exposing the real hurts and brokenness that I felt inside. It was a cry out from underneath a blanket of humor that made dealing with the past a little more comfortable and  bearable. I knew that if people heard this, they would know my life is full of blemishes and a dark past. They would know I'm not really the easy-going goofy Tim I had been portraying for so long...

I'm not sure exactly when I started using this method to numb my pain but I know it was inherited through my family. My granny, mom, uncles, and all my brothers would always make jokes about the most morbid things. I remember going to my grandpa's funeral when I was 6 and my brothers were joking about the guy in the fancy box that was so bored at this "church service" he fell asleep. We all laughed and got smacked by mom when we were out eyesight for being disrespectful brats. 

Growing up with that kind of reasoning imbedded in my mind by so many people, made me think that covering up emotion was the normal thing to do. Since I was the smallest and most emotional out of the four brothers, that made my job even harder. My brothers often called me a sissy, (the nicest of the other names) and I would think--I just have a big heart. If I'm being completely honest, I'm the kind of guy that cries when I watch the movie Babe

"That'll do pig, That'll do" ...still gets me every time. 

As an adult, I have learned that covering up emotions is not the norm, but with broken people it tends to sit heavy. If you get a deep wound and all you do is put funny bandaids on it, you will eventually get an infection. It festers and makes your daily life more difficult with each step you try to take forward. The pain builds until you can't stand it anymore and when you tear the bandaids off, it exposes the gaping wound that should have been dealt with from the beginning.

We all have old songs, old wounds, and scars we carry with us like baggage as we move forward. I have learned that being vulnerable and allowing others to hear, heal, and help us mend, is one of he best ways to deal with these things. If we let people in on a deeper level and we are honest and open, then true restoration can begin. If you're hurting, find someone you trust that you can talk to and let your "old songs" free so you can make fresh new ones. I let my old song out today. It's not who I am, but it is who I was...now I can make a new one. 

*If you think you have no one, message me, I'd be more than happy to be an ear. I'm not a professional by any means, and don't have all the answers but listening is free, and in doing so, you might gain freedom. 

HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE

Just gonna be honest, I just spent an hour writing a post, editing it, posting it, and in the end it was a bunch of fluff. It felt like someone else had posted it. I deleted it and decided to be completely open and just lay it all out there.

I'm pissed off. My feelings are hurt to the point where my voice is shaky when I try to voice it even to my wife of almost 15 years. This week has been a true test of endurance on my heart and I feel like I'm losing to the lies and hurts of my surroundings. I feel betrayed by a mentor from whom I took every piece of advice like it was gold. I feel like the rug was just taken from underneath me and my face was left being scraped across the hardwood floor. I feel stupid and have questioned if what I'm doing or the words I'm saying will even have an effect on anyone. My inner turmoil with the thoughts and pain are effecting even how I see myself. When I notice myself in the mirror I think "Wow, who is that rough looking dude?" 

When I made a post on Facebook  about the hard week I was having, I received another blow to my self worth with this comment:

"At least I gave you life, everyone else wanted me to abort you. They tried hard to convince me that you were not worth keeping."

It felt like someone threw a bowling ball at my stomach and all the air I wanted to take in was being pulled from me as tears started to well up in my eyes. As much as I've tried to deny that things like that still have a hold on me, they do. I love my mom. I have forgiven her for everything either she knew or was oblivious to as I was growing up. But when I hear things like that I'm reminded that the tongue has the power of life or death. (Proverbs 18:21) Hurt people, hurt people. These hurts can even be passed down generationally in families. I'm ending that curse right here. 

After I had our nightly walk with my family I realized how much I was hurting from those words and how it was effecting me.  As a father, as a husband, and as a friend. As I looked at my beautiful family I was reminded of the future I have now. My autistic son is such a hope-bringer. He exudes excitement and joy from the littlest things. As we hit potholes while we pushed him in an adaptive-stroller his joyous laughter could be heard blocks away. My wife looked down at him and then back up to me: "He can never betray us...He wouldn't know how to even if he wanted to. He will always stay pure." She is so perfect for me in these types of situations. God has definitely placed me exactly where I need to be, and surrounded me with such a support system. Even in the most hurting times, He still has the plan all figured out. 

 My plan has never been to hurt people by the words of my testimony. My goal is to tell my story of freedom from these past hurts, not to bash my family, the life I had, or the journey to get here. I sat on these words for years after I got done writing my book because I was too afraid of hurting others. What God has been showing me is that there is more good than harm that will come out of my story because the only agenda I had when writing it was to free these thoughts from my own head. The end goal was and will never be "oh look at my sad life and horrible upbringing." Instead, it is to show redemption in forgiveness, hope in letting go, and the power in being vulnerable.

It is true: Hurt people, hurt people. But then so is the opposite: Loved people, love people. 

PREPARE THE WAY

Reflecting on my past has transformed from painful recounting, into an evident reminder of hope for the future. I think of all the moments that used to make me question whether a "god" existed, and in all of the darkest situations, I was given the grace to endure. Overcoming situations of abuse and feeling worthless has prepared me for a future of connecting, and being drawn to the broken. Not to say there are moments that I don't still question, because there are plenty of those. Now I just have the faith that those answers will be revealed to me in the future, because my soul and mind are constantly growing in the healing process. The people and the places that have been prepared for me to meet and see, overflow my heart with gratitude. I cannot wait to see what the future holds.

BEING REAL

   So many times in my daily conversations I hear, "Hey, how you doing?" and the usual response is something like, "good" "great" or, if its a friend usually a weird accent and a dumb joke flies out of my mouth. Its become so second nature, that we usually say things like this despite what we are really feeling, because exposing that would in turn expose that we had flaws and weaknesses. I think there is so much power in honesty, even if it hurts sometimes. Until we express how we truly feel on the inside, outwardly, all of those feelings just bottle up, and consume you. I know because I have struggled with that for years, even to the point where I literally thought my body was going to combust. And I'm not saying just go and tell the whole world your problems, but find that one person you trust, and just be real. The freedom in the release of your vulnerability is one that no words can adequetly describe.  Tim Frost

 

So many times in my daily conversations I hear, "Hey, how you doing?" and the usual response is something like, "good" "great" or, if its a friend usually a weird accent and a dumb joke flies out of my mouth. Its become so second nature, that we usually say things like this despite what we are really feeling, because exposing that would in turn expose that we had flaws and weaknesses. I think there is so much power in honesty, even if it hurts sometimes. Until we express how we truly feel on the inside, outwardly, all of those feelings just bottle up, and consume you. I know because I have struggled with that for years, even to the point where I literally thought my body was going to combust. And I'm not saying just go and tell the whole world your problems, but find that one person you trust, and just be real. The freedom in the release of your vulnerability is one that no words can adequetly describe.

Tim Frost

THE FAMILY PORTRAIT

We sometimes paint portraits of ourselves of who we think we are. Then sometimes others can splash colors on us making us forget who we thought we were, and transform us into something new. Finding the balance of when this is a good thing and when it is destructive lies beneath the layers. If people cause you to question your worth, simply paint over it and start fresh. Because ultimately, God sees your life as a masterpiece. Every rigid corner and imperfect space. We are designed to blend with, and build each other up, so that we can share the beautiful picture of life together.

Tim Frost

(Artwork by Danny Roberts)