I've looked for you for a long time. As a kid, I thought that each new man that came into the yellow stained walls of my trailer house, might be the person that I clung to. The person that taught me how the world works, and the basic necessities of growing up.
Each time you failed me. You made me feel worthless. You abused me. You tore my heart up with words and actions so unthinkable I blocked them, clear into my adult years. I needed you and you were not there. I lost hope in finding you. I remember the day I found out my wife was pregnant, wishing you had been there to prepare me for that moment. When I would become the thing I so longed to have. I had no clue what to do, how to be, or even my purpose in this child's life. I despised you, and most of the time I hated you. I was pissed that you never taught me how to love and care for another human. How to lift up and raise a child with morals and instill worth. I was so bitter, I couldn't see the truth.
When I finally stopped looking for you, I realized the father I was searching for existed. He has been living inside of me. Every demaening word that was planted in my heart, from your mouth, was a lesson in what words NOT to use to my son. Every birthday you didn't show up to, was a reminder of how much the memories we make in these moments matter. Every ounce of love that I didn't receive from you, helps me to see and acknowledge the love I have for my own child every day.
So to you, my nonexistent biological father, I say, you are forgiven. Thank you for letting me see the qualities that I will try every day to deter from. I thank you for the search in finding a worldly father, because in doing so, I have found something way richer. I have found God the Father, a dad has never failed me. A father that loves unconditionally, and inspires me to do the same. The huge failure that I had in my worldy dad, teaches me that my minor failures as a father are ok. I turned out ok and by grace, so will my son. I'm thankful to be surround by friends who are fathers who show this same kind of love to their children. To be inspired by and learn from each other, has been a solid foundation on becoming the father I have so desperately searched for all these years.
Lastly I want to say you were wrong. I am worthy, I am a good father, and I am capable to raise up a generation that will be free from your lies. I will make mistakes, but unlike you, I will own up to them, ask for forgiveness, and learn every day to be a better father than the day before.
Your worthy worldy son, Tim-